Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Day

Today is the day that i have been looking forward to for a really really long time. Everyone always tells you to enjoy high school, because it goes by fast. I never believed them until this moment right now. Where did the last four years go? wow. The last four years have brought me pain, heartache, struggle, loss of friends, and death of loved ones. Because of these things i hit rock bottom many, many times. I never thought i would get out of rock bottom many of the times, but i'm still here and kickin, so i must have gotten out. I must say that if it weren't for my amazing friends and family, and above all else, my Gracious God, i would have never made it through this time. For the many friends i lost, i gained many amazing strong ones that will stand with me through thick and thin. For all the deaths over the past years, i have learned to love every single moment i spend with loved ones. Life is short and unexpected things come up, so live as best as you can while you are here.

The one word that can sum up the whole last 12 years of my existence in public school: GRACE
I am a human. I am sinful, i have screwed up more than most. I do not deserve to still be standing on God's earth. But that's the point. NONE of us deserve to be standing here. None of us deserve to have a personal relationship with the one and only amazing Creator of all. We do not deserve what God has given us, But it is already given. Grace is not earned, just like it is not deserved. I stand in utmost awe of the fact that I can still Worship my King because of his amazing grace.

The next step in my life is a massive step into the unknown. It will be filled with fear, but I know that i am being led by God, and he will use me wherever i go. I also know that no matter what happens, He will always Love me, Lead me, and give me sufficient Grace.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Enough

Okay God, that's enough.

That is all that i can think right now. I am so worn out. So tired, so broken down. I don't know how much more i can take. the last few months have been rough. So much pain, so much death. I am running on empty. I have no motivation anymore. I have been saying that for a while. But right now, it hit rock bottom. I barely have enough motivation to get out of bed most of the time. My heart is shattered, my body is on the verge of exhaustion. I can't sleep. I have no apetite. I feel like the world is spinning around me and i'm sitting here static. I just want to pass out and sleep until all of this is over. I know that God's timing is perfect, and He has a plan for everything..... But Come On.... His timing feels absolutely awful.

I don't believe that i have ever hit rock bottom before, but i'm getting darn close. Not sure how much more heartache i can take. God take this pain from me, I need healing.