Tattoo!!!!

Today is the day that i mark my body. yep. I am getting Grace tattooed in greek onto my wrist. I have wanted this tattoo for nearly three years now, and i'm super stoked!

I am getting this as mile marker in my life. High school is over now, and looking back, i have made a lot of mistakes. Lots of things that i would change, but it've over now. The amazing thing about all of this, is that God gives us grace that we do not deserve. I probably don't deserve to still be alive, but God has given me this undeserved life.

As I take the giant leap into my new life, there are so many unknowns. New places, new people, new experiences, new trials, and new tribulations. I want to be able to look down at my wrist and be constantly reminded that no matter what happens, My God is by my side. and He will always Love me. No matter what!

The Day

Today is the day that i have been looking forward to for a really really long time. Everyone always tells you to enjoy high school, because it goes by fast. I never believed them until this moment right now. Where did the last four years go? wow. The last four years have brought me pain, heartache, struggle, loss of friends, and death of loved ones. Because of these things i hit rock bottom many, many times. I never thought i would get out of rock bottom many of the times, but i'm still here and kickin, so i must have gotten out. I must say that if it weren't for my amazing friends and family, and above all else, my Gracious God, i would have never made it through this time. For the many friends i lost, i gained many amazing strong ones that will stand with me through thick and thin. For all the deaths over the past years, i have learned to love every single moment i spend with loved ones. Life is short and unexpected things come up, so live as best as you can while you are here.

The one word that can sum up the whole last 12 years of my existence in public school: GRACE
I am a human. I am sinful, i have screwed up more than most. I do not deserve to still be standing on God's earth. But that's the point. NONE of us deserve to be standing here. None of us deserve to have a personal relationship with the one and only amazing Creator of all. We do not deserve what God has given us, But it is already given. Grace is not earned, just like it is not deserved. I stand in utmost awe of the fact that I can still Worship my King because of his amazing grace.

The next step in my life is a massive step into the unknown. It will be filled with fear, but I know that i am being led by God, and he will use me wherever i go. I also know that no matter what happens, He will always Love me, Lead me, and give me sufficient Grace.

Enough

Okay God, that's enough.

That is all that i can think right now. I am so worn out. So tired, so broken down. I don't know how much more i can take. the last few months have been rough. So much pain, so much death. I am running on empty. I have no motivation anymore. I have been saying that for a while. But right now, it hit rock bottom. I barely have enough motivation to get out of bed most of the time. My heart is shattered, my body is on the verge of exhaustion. I can't sleep. I have no apetite. I feel like the world is spinning around me and i'm sitting here static. I just want to pass out and sleep until all of this is over. I know that God's timing is perfect, and He has a plan for everything..... But Come On.... His timing feels absolutely awful.

I don't believe that i have ever hit rock bottom before, but i'm getting darn close. Not sure how much more heartache i can take. God take this pain from me, I need healing.

Back to Blogging.

I used to use blogging, as kind of a meditation tool. A place for my ramblings. I don't know why i stopped that, but due to some recent events, i have more time on my hands now, so i'm going to try to start rambling more.
This one i will start with: Regret. Regret is a funny thing, i have always thought i lived a life with no regrets, and i do... to a point. We all have regrets. No one can live a life in the real world without regrets. We just usually don't notice our regrets until long, long after the event. I have only recently found this to be true. I won't go into details, but i finally said sorry for something i did nearly 8 months ago. It took me 8 months to realize that i had done something wrong, and i had hurt someone i once cared about. I don't necessarily regret the action, but i deeply regret the long amount of time it took to apologize.

Another thing i have been dealing a lot with lately is music. I love music. It definitely is in the top 5 of things i Love the most in this world. Ever since i was a little kid, i have always loved music. Before i could play guitar, i remember singing to myself in times of joy, and in times of sorrow. Once i started to play guitar, this increased immensely. I have a notebook full of lyrics, and some "songs" that i have just scratched together over the years, and as i look over them, most of my, i guess you could call them songs, have the same theme. Heartache. I look back to a page that i remember intensely. I wrote this just around the time my grandtfather passed away.

As daylight dies, and the world crashes down.
I find myself searching for you.
Searching for the one you made for me.

The pain rolls in, The tears start to fall.

My heart is heavy, but i know it's all in the plan.

Sometimes i don't believe that i actually wrote that, but my handwriting definitely hasn't changed since i was like 5. My life has been hit with a lot of crap, but i am still searching. Searching for the plan that God laid out for me.

Another one, from not too long ago.

I sit here broken, a shell of the man I once was.

Every night, i say a prayer.
Hoping that you still care.
Hoping that you will hear, and come to take away my fear.

WOW

WOW it's been a long time since i've written a blog, and i know that no one will read this, which is good. Life has been crazy lately. God is so good, but life seems so crappy! The last few days, have been sort of depressing. I have spent so much time in bed. I can't find a reason to get out of bed. My life is not exciting. It's all about the future. Next year i will be living with awesome dudes, playing a lot of music, but right now, life is dull, and boring. I have nothing to keep me going right now. No motivation for school. My heart feels as if there is a massive black hole sucking up all happiness. It takes all of strength to be around people right now. When i do get out of bed, i put on a mask. a mask that life is great. almost done with the school year, getting ready for summer, finalizing plans for school and living next year. All of that should make me excited, but honestly, it scares me shitless. (if anyone actually reads this, sorry for the profanity) But it does. I had the life that i always dreamed of, and one day, it all changed. My heart was shattered, and now i find myself with nothing to live for. No one to live for. No one to give me a reason to wake up in the morning. All that i'm left with is memories. Memories that keep running in my mind, like a movie playing in fast forward. All i want to do is relive those memories, but at the same time, they only bring me pain. I thought this year was going to be a year of learning, but it seems to only have been a year of loss. A wasted year. A worthless year that has left me with nothing but broken memories, and hundreds of tearful, sleepless nights. I have no one to talk to but this blog. So it's really good that no one reads this.

Those are my emotions, but i still know that God is good. He has a plan. Right now i cannot even get a glimpse of the plan, and it scares me, but i know He has a plan. His plan is not my plan. His plan probably won't turn out the way that i want it to. But yes, God is faithful, and good. God is graceful.

Bitterness and Change.

I have been really bad at blogging lately, because of a lot of things have been happening lately. So here's my thoughts.

I went to FacePlant, a great weekend for middle schoolers. We all go up to the mountains and spend a weekend worshipping and learning about God. It was so amazing. I will admit that it was a lot different than years past, which is hard for me, but it was amazing nonetheless.

Also, 4C's has been renovating their building, as they are moving into nearly half of the property they have now. This is the hardest thing i have had to deal with. I have grown up in this church, and it has been the only constant in my life. Now everything is changing, and it is hard for me. I believe that God is going to work through this situation, but it's still hard for me to see my Home completely changed.

I know for a fact that i have many blog posts about change, and this will be yet another one. IF you haven't watched the video at the top of this page, i strongly urge you to do so. This song has been on my mind and heart for a while now, and today it hit me really hard. Read over these lyrics, they are changing my life

Nothing can separate

Even if I ran away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

But You have new mercies for me everyday

Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage

I don't have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me

Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide

I never thought I'd reach the other side

But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

I have never been good with change, it scares me. But i know that God will never change. Out environment will change, but our Faithful God will always be the same. I can now see that God is preparing me for the major change that is going to happen in my life in the next 6 months. This weekend was a hard one. I was bitter about change, i was bitter with a lot of things. Please, take my advice, Do not let change make you bitter. I'm not saying that all change is beneficial, but make the best of your situation. Our God is never going to forsake us, He loves us. He has unending Grace! So when you do get bitter, think of the things in your life that make you smile. Friends, Family, Loved Ones. My life is so so full of these things. 

My last thought is also the last line of this song.

"You make all things work together for my good"

Our God truly loves us, and He has a plan. He knows what is going to happen. We don't. I spent the last month trying to fight change, trying to make my own path in life. Planning ahead for the future. None of this is me. I know that God has a plan for my life, and i know that He is going to make everything work for my good. I do not like the change that is going on in my life right now, but i now know that God is going to make it work for my good.

I have let my bitterness outshadow the good things in my life. I have so much to live for. So much in my life that i cannot live without. So much that God has blessed me with, and yet i have listened to so many lies that i have told myself. But that's the thing. They are only lies. Lies will only last for a season, but Truth and Love will last forever because they come from God

"The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails"

life sucks. Life's hard. Change is hard. But our God is stronger than anything the world will throw at us. Do not give up, Don't give into bitterness, Life a life with God. Live a life full of Love. Don't take things for granted. God places things and people in your life that will help you get though the strong wind. God's Love never fails. Stronger than the wind and more vast than the open seas.

The Great Waiting

I have never been good at waiting, but the last three years have been totally centered around waiting. Wait wait wait. First it was waiting for a new youth pastor to come along, and now it's waiting to get out of arvada. i dont like waiting. While i'm waiting, all i can think about is how much better life could be if i was just somewhere else. All my life i've been told that that statement is deadly, and not true, but i disagree. My life could be much better if i were somewhere else. I'm not saying my life is bad, i have a great life, but it could still be better. Look 6 months in the future: I could actually have friends again. that would be great. I could have a church that cares about me. That would be fantastic.

I can't wait to start my life. To get away from home, experience life. Get out of this dull, stagnant life that i seem to be living lately.

I guess there's nothing i can do now, except more waiting. Keep waiting for things to get better. For life to get exciting again.