Thursday, August 5, 2010

UnRest.Discontent. Ranting?

This summer has taken a toll on me. And it has changed me big time.
what i mean by this, is that i have such a huge feeling of discontent. Discontent with being in Arvada really. Life has gotten boring. I've spent most of this summer not at home. I've been out adventuring, being in the mountains, being with God. Going to Alaska, seeing God in so many new places. Whenever I come home, i feel bored. Arvada is all i've known for nearly 18 years now. I feel such a huge pull to get out. To adventure. To seek out what God has in store for me, rather than just sit and wait for it. I want to see new cultures, meet new people, see and hear what God has created in different places.

I am constantly hearing stories of people getting out of their comfort zone, out of their hometown, and connecting with God on insane levels. The more i hear stories like these i get an intense fear that my life will never be that. That i will fail and end up living an unexciting, mundane life. I want to get out. I need to get out. I am continually feeling God pull me away from what i've always known.

I hate that i have all these feelings right now, because there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. I still have a full year until i can get out of this discontent. I am looking forward to this year, because i know that God is going to do amazing things, but i can't shake this anxious feeling. this deep wanting of adventure. To experience the unknown.
By now i feel like i'm ranting, but no one actually reads this right? so i'll keep ranting. God confuses me sometimes. I can go from feeling so close to him, to so far from him, in a matter of hours. I am deeply in love with him, but whenever i am at "home" in arvada, He feels so distant to me. I used to think that the mountains were my only home, but after traveling to Alaska, i now realize that I feel most at home whenever i'm not at home. when i'm out and about, traveling, snowboarding, talking with random people in random places.
Short Story- I went to waterworld last week, and after i went down one of the massive white slides, two kids were chilling by the end. As i got out of the slide, they were smiling, and yelled "THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!" I was a little confused, but i said thanks, and gave them both huge high-fives. their faces lit up at the high five. I don't know why this made my heart light up, but it did. I love kids, and kids like this make me smile. I love the fact that kids can think a simple water slide is so awesome. Kids make me laugh.

Also, i feel like God's timing is all wrong in my life lately. In my heart, i know that it's not, but i just feel like things are wrong. I don't really know how to elaborate on this one.

Well, here's the end of my ranting. If you actually read all of that, i'm sorry, but you probably just wasted all that time to read my thoughts.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Dude, yes we do read your rantings! Nathan and I just read this and we would really like to get together with you. I read this and thought I was reading Nathan's thoughts at your age, he would love a chance to talk about this kind of stuff with you. Lets plan something as soon as we get back from AZ (we are gone all next week)