Back to Blogging.

I used to use blogging, as kind of a meditation tool. A place for my ramblings. I don't know why i stopped that, but due to some recent events, i have more time on my hands now, so i'm going to try to start rambling more.
This one i will start with: Regret. Regret is a funny thing, i have always thought i lived a life with no regrets, and i do... to a point. We all have regrets. No one can live a life in the real world without regrets. We just usually don't notice our regrets until long, long after the event. I have only recently found this to be true. I won't go into details, but i finally said sorry for something i did nearly 8 months ago. It took me 8 months to realize that i had done something wrong, and i had hurt someone i once cared about. I don't necessarily regret the action, but i deeply regret the long amount of time it took to apologize.

Another thing i have been dealing a lot with lately is music. I love music. It definitely is in the top 5 of things i Love the most in this world. Ever since i was a little kid, i have always loved music. Before i could play guitar, i remember singing to myself in times of joy, and in times of sorrow. Once i started to play guitar, this increased immensely. I have a notebook full of lyrics, and some "songs" that i have just scratched together over the years, and as i look over them, most of my, i guess you could call them songs, have the same theme. Heartache. I look back to a page that i remember intensely. I wrote this just around the time my grandtfather passed away.

As daylight dies, and the world crashes down.
I find myself searching for you.
Searching for the one you made for me.

The pain rolls in, The tears start to fall.

My heart is heavy, but i know it's all in the plan.

Sometimes i don't believe that i actually wrote that, but my handwriting definitely hasn't changed since i was like 5. My life has been hit with a lot of crap, but i am still searching. Searching for the plan that God laid out for me.

Another one, from not too long ago.

I sit here broken, a shell of the man I once was.

Every night, i say a prayer.
Hoping that you still care.
Hoping that you will hear, and come to take away my fear.

WOW

WOW it's been a long time since i've written a blog, and i know that no one will read this, which is good. Life has been crazy lately. God is so good, but life seems so crappy! The last few days, have been sort of depressing. I have spent so much time in bed. I can't find a reason to get out of bed. My life is not exciting. It's all about the future. Next year i will be living with awesome dudes, playing a lot of music, but right now, life is dull, and boring. I have nothing to keep me going right now. No motivation for school. My heart feels as if there is a massive black hole sucking up all happiness. It takes all of strength to be around people right now. When i do get out of bed, i put on a mask. a mask that life is great. almost done with the school year, getting ready for summer, finalizing plans for school and living next year. All of that should make me excited, but honestly, it scares me shitless. (if anyone actually reads this, sorry for the profanity) But it does. I had the life that i always dreamed of, and one day, it all changed. My heart was shattered, and now i find myself with nothing to live for. No one to live for. No one to give me a reason to wake up in the morning. All that i'm left with is memories. Memories that keep running in my mind, like a movie playing in fast forward. All i want to do is relive those memories, but at the same time, they only bring me pain. I thought this year was going to be a year of learning, but it seems to only have been a year of loss. A wasted year. A worthless year that has left me with nothing but broken memories, and hundreds of tearful, sleepless nights. I have no one to talk to but this blog. So it's really good that no one reads this.

Those are my emotions, but i still know that God is good. He has a plan. Right now i cannot even get a glimpse of the plan, and it scares me, but i know He has a plan. His plan is not my plan. His plan probably won't turn out the way that i want it to. But yes, God is faithful, and good. God is graceful.