Monday, April 25, 2011


WOW it's been a long time since i've written a blog, and i know that no one will read this, which is good. Life has been crazy lately. God is so good, but life seems so crappy! The last few days, have been sort of depressing. I have spent so much time in bed. I can't find a reason to get out of bed. My life is not exciting. It's all about the future. Next year i will be living with awesome dudes, playing a lot of music, but right now, life is dull, and boring. I have nothing to keep me going right now. No motivation for school. My heart feels as if there is a massive black hole sucking up all happiness. It takes all of strength to be around people right now. When i do get out of bed, i put on a mask. a mask that life is great. almost done with the school year, getting ready for summer, finalizing plans for school and living next year. All of that should make me excited, but honestly, it scares me shitless. (if anyone actually reads this, sorry for the profanity) But it does. I had the life that i always dreamed of, and one day, it all changed. My heart was shattered, and now i find myself with nothing to live for. No one to live for. No one to give me a reason to wake up in the morning. All that i'm left with is memories. Memories that keep running in my mind, like a movie playing in fast forward. All i want to do is relive those memories, but at the same time, they only bring me pain. I thought this year was going to be a year of learning, but it seems to only have been a year of loss. A wasted year. A worthless year that has left me with nothing but broken memories, and hundreds of tearful, sleepless nights. I have no one to talk to but this blog. So it's really good that no one reads this.

Those are my emotions, but i still know that God is good. He has a plan. Right now i cannot even get a glimpse of the plan, and it scares me, but i know He has a plan. His plan is not my plan. His plan probably won't turn out the way that i want it to. But yes, God is faithful, and good. God is graceful.

1 comment:

  1. In this moment you may feel it wont turn out the way you want it to, and it may not turn out the way you want it to in this moment, but brother, it will be better than you can plan or dream of on your own.

    Who would have thought that messing up big time and having my heart stomped on numerous times would prepare me to be the woman my husband needed me to be? OR having a child with special needs would enrich my life and make me a better person and bring me closer to God?!?! NO, it is not what I had planned but it is better than I had planned :-) You don't need to know the why's now to know that there is a plan.

    HE knows what is good for us so much more than we do. That's what your (amazing) faith is for. He loves you more than anyone and will work everything according to His will so that you can bring glory to Him. You are already doing this by your words in this blog. Through your sadness, un-comfort and pain you are still showing and professing faith in Him.

    So much learning comes with loss. Let it teach you and grow you and it wont be all for nothing. There have been so many "why" moments in my life but He has used ALL of them for HIS glory, let Him do the same for you.

    From rejection, betrayal and pain came the greatest, most beautiful gift of all. As silly and cliche as it sounds, beauty does come from pain (ashes)...eventually ;-)

    Love you lots. Praying for you :-)